


Control Problems

by Reda



Series: You Belong To Me [3]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Depression, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Romance, mentions of past PruHun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 01:54:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20037973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reda/pseuds/Reda
Summary: Matthew loves Gilbert. But when Gil takes the lead in their sexual antics, he's left feeling depressed afterwards. For reasons that don't make sense and shouldn't be a problem.





	Control Problems

**Author's Note:**

> -This is me inserting a realistic problem to the PruCan relationship that I haven't seen before. I blame the prompt. Couldn't think of anything else once the idea hit.
> 
> -I have this issue myself, so shush, it IS a pain in the butt when it happens (though tbh, ever since we worked out that I was asexual, this doesn't really happen to me anymore because I feel less guilty and broken and blah blah blah that's another story and not at all related to Mattie's reasons)

~!~

You Belong To Me

Prompt 3: "She aches just like a woman, but she breaks just like a girl."

~!~

"Gil..."

He looked up at the albino as Gilbert pushed himself up on his hands to look him in the eye. They were both naked and still panting. Gil's eyes were gleaming, lost in the haze of his post-sex happiness. The soft smile crept across the pale face as those eyes looked down on him, as the white hair barely moved, being sweaty and plastered to the pale forehead.

Matthew tried to smile up at him, tried to show him that _yes_ he _had_ enjoyed it, but he couldn't make his lips move up like he wanted. He couldn't make his eyes give off that same gleam. There was a little pain in his stomach, a little jealousy. This didn't always happen, but when it did it made him mad. He was depressed again; he could feel the tears wanting to come for _no reason_.

"Hm?" came Gilbert's expectant hum.

The albino was keeping himself held up, but he was still inside Matthew and he wasn't moving anytime soon. Gil liked to lie still in silence as they each breathed together; he preferred not to move, to sit and enjoy the closeness.

Usually, Matthew was right there with him. But every so often, the stupid depression hit and he had to fight the frustrated urge to throw the albino off of him. Sadly enough, the mental issue crept up most often when Gil was topping, which made the whole thing that much worse. It made Gilbert wonder if it was _him_, if it was something _he_ was doing wrong.

Knowing this was going to hurt his lover but not knowing what else to do, Matthew met the red eyes and frowned. "Get off," he said. He winced the moment it came out, seeing the flash of pain disrupt the hazy gleam. "Please?"

Gilbert didn't say anything in response. His head drooped down, avoiding his gaze as he pulled out and flopped over to the other side of the bed. Gil knew what was going on. It had become more common lately.

Matthew groaned as his lover left him, as pale hands hesitated to touch him before settling for resting next to him in the sheets. He turned his head on the pillow and looked over at the albino who was being incredibly quiet now. The red eyes weren't even looking at him, angled downward and seemingly focused elsewhere.

Feeling a pang in his heart for causing Gil so much pain, Matthew wanted to reach out and reassure him that everything was fine. He wanted to hold him, to cling to him, to tell him it was a stupid hormonal imbalance and had nothing to do with what he actually thought or felt. But those words had always sounded so empty and the wonder never left, especially because this only happened when Gilbert was trying to please Matt and when they switched roles.

Besides, the feelings that he couldn't control were bubbling into a terrible frustration level. He felt like a pregnant woman or a teenage girl on a period. Mood swings that he couldn't control, giving him moods he didn't want at the most inopportune times. With an annoyed sigh, he swung his legs off the bed and headed for the bathroom. He wanted to clean up. And then he wanted to sit and eat a barrel of ice cream. Or slurp on maple syrup. He just wanted to eat and drown himself in food until the stupid feelings went away.

"Birdie?" came the concerned voice of his lover from the bedside.

He turned as he was closing the bathroom door, wincing at the dejected look on the usually prideful, beaming face. "I'm taking a shower," he said, grimacing himself when the words echoed in the room, coming out much harsher than he'd meant.

It was made worse when he closed the door and it slammed loudly because he'd used just a little too much force. He almost fell into tears right there in the bathroom, but he bit his lip and held it in. Not because he thought it was unmanly to cry. Not because he wanted to hide it for his own pride. He didn't want to cry because Gil would blame himself and it wouldn't help the situation at all.

So with a trembling lip, he turned and climbed into the shower, meeting the cold water with a heavy heart. Why did he have to feel like this? It was stupid. It wasn't because of any real reason, was it? Tears fell down his face, quite against his will and thankfully without sound. He managed to keep it quiet, or quiet enough so that the sound of the shower would keep it hidden.

Maybe he really was disappointed in Gilbert's performance. _No. It's not that. I love him too much for it to be that..._

Maybe he had some kind of mental problem being on the bottom. Maybe he didn't like to be controlled or held down. Maybe he had a control issue.

That...might actually be the reason...

Matthew had never been one in a leadership position. He had never controlled much on his own. His brother, outspoken and self-proclaimed hero, had always held his hand and led him through everything. Whether it was school or getting him a job or talking with their parents about his decision to marry another guy...Alfred had always been there, like a dependable brother. And at the same time, Matthew had always mumbled about how Al was saying everything wrong, or doing things wrong, or misrepresenting him no matter how well meaning, and no one had ever heard him.

He had never been in control of his life.

And then Gil had come in. At first, it had seemed like someone just wanting in his pants, but Gilbert had quickly proven to be the guy who would let Matthew make the rules. Anytime Matthew was nervous or unsure, Gil would stop and make sure everything was okay; he would always ask for Mattie's opinion. He would always make sure whatever they did was what Matt wanted to do.

Whatever the opinion of their friends, soft-spoken Matthew Williams had learned how to control his life, had learned how to make decisions and stand up for himself. Because of Gilbert Beilschmidt, a random German albino who had seemed like such a polar opposite because of his outward show. Whatever the outside world thought, Matthew was the one in control in their relationship, not that he'd ever say such a thing to anyone – not even Gil.

...Which made the whole post-sex depression episodes that much worse. If control really was the reason, how could he ever explain it to Gilbert? How was he supposed to tell Gil he was only satisfied when he was in charge? Gil, who had been in a back-and-forth relationship with Elizaveta Héderváry all through high school days; he'd fallen for the girl and been toyed with ever since she figured it out. She had always clearly been in charge, making Gil do everything for her at a whim – and he _would_ because he'd made a commitment.

Of course, Elizaveta would break up with him, the albino would come to school drunk the next day, and then a few weeks later, they'd be back together doing the same old thing. For four years. It wasn't until an exchange student came in their senior year and took Elizaveta's heart for real – an Austrian musician – that Gilbert was finally free to break away from the strings tying him and see other people. It wasn't until then that the albino had noticed Matthew and the two had fallen in love over the summer.

The both of them needed control. It was why they had an unspoken agreement that they would aim for a symbiotic relationship, something where neither one of them would make demands of the other. Ever.

So if this depression issue was because of control...

He shook his head and turned the shower off. He couldn't talk to Gilbert about it. He _wouldn't_ talk to him about it. Saying such things would only make the situation worse. It was better to just leave it at a weird happenstance and hope one day Gil would understand. The truth would hurt too much, and he didn't want to lose the one thing he loved the most in his life.

Stepping out, he wrapped himself in a towel after patting himself dry. He opened the door and walked into the bedroom to discover it was empty. He paused and tilted his head, catching the sound of the television in the other room. So, Gilbert had done the usual and gone to the den.

As he walked over to the dresser, he noticed the bed was missing a pillow and the closet was still open, revealing the missing black eagle blanket – Gil's present from a few years prior. He frowned as he got dressed, knowing that Gilbert was planning to sleep in the other room tonight. After one of these episodes, it was too awkward to sleep together because neither one of them wanted to talk and the silence would kill the mood and make everything ridiculously hard to relax. And Gil was always willing to move to another room, to give Matthew the bed and sleep uncomfortably in the other room with the noise of the television to put him to sleep.

Slipping on a pair of red and white pajamas, Matthew stepped lightly as he walked out of the room and down the hallway, still feeling the urge for food. He stopped when he reached the entrance to the den, looking over at the flashing of the television and the stretched out body of his albino lover on the sofa. Tossing the urge for food to the side, he worked up a new courage and stepped into the room, walking around to stand in front of the sofa and smile down at the sleeping man.

The blanket was hardly covering him at all, showing his still bare chest and the sweatpants he had apparently dressed in while Matthew was in the shower. The albino was sound asleep, mouth open slightly, drool starting to coat a little section of his pillow. He looked peaceful when he slept – and way too adorable for Matthew to stay upset for long.

Thankfully, the depressed episode was leaving him. Taking a little section of the couch, he sat down, thanking his small frame for once in his life. With one hand, he reached out and started to stroke the white strands of hair, pushing the messy bangs out of Gil's face. Even if Gilbert was asleep, he closed his mouth and hummed something shortly after Matthew started petting him.

Unable to stop the smile, Matthew decided if he couldn't talk to Gil while he was awake the least he could do was let things out to the sleeping albino. "I think I figured out why I get so depressed after sex," he whispered, his voice barely louder than the television behind him. "I've always wanted control of things," he continued. "But I can't ask you to give up your control, not after everything you've been through. But I still get upset, apparently." He sighed, feeling the tears popping out of his eyes against his will again. "I...I'm such a terrible person...wanting so much from you...and not giving you anything...I'm sorry..."

His vision was blurring. He had to stop talking, stop petting Gilbert's hair. He brought his hands up to his eyes and rubbed them, trying to clear them of the tears, though they kept coming.

"I am a terrible person. I don't want to want something so selfish, but I do. And I cry and get depressed when I don't have it. So terrible. I can't believe I'm so horrible. I should just go die -"

"No," came the voice in his ear before he could even register that Gil had woken up. Arms were wrapping around him, pulling him closer to a warm body. "You're not terrible. You're not selfish."

A hand was rubbing his back. It was all too much. The attention. He wasn't going to be able to quit crying now. "B-but I get depressed just 'cause I want control...that's so..."

"It's okay," Gil murmured, lips against the side of his head, near his ear. "Whatever makes you happy, Birdie."

He wailed at the comment, unable to believe that Gilbert – the "bad boy" of the school, the one who could rival Al in ego size – would give in to him _so_ easily. It wasn't in-character for him. It wasn't right. Gilbert deserved to be in control and Matthew was just trying to rip it from him the same way Elizaveta had. He didn't want to be like that; he didn't want a relationship like that. He just wanted -

"I want _you_ to be happy," he managed to mumble out through the tears.

There was no immediate response from Gilbert. The albino just held him close, his legs crossed, making it almost seem like Matthew was sitting in his lap. He would be, if he was actually sitting on Gilbert and not just leaning against him. They sat there together, the television having been turned off at some point, as Matthew cried out all the pent up frustration and stupid depressive hormonal feelings.

"I'm only happy if you're happy, Birdie," Gil said as the cries died down and they entered silence again.

With a sniff, Matthew pulled away from the bare chest to look into the red eyes, trying to read the meaning behind those words. "But -"

Hands moved to clasp his own as the red eyes continued to stare straight into his. "I'll do whatever you want, as long as it makes you keep smiling. I hate it when you cry, so let me do whatever it takes to make you happy again."

"But what about you?"

The familiar grin spread on the pale face. "Like I said, Birdie. I'm happy if you're happy. All the other little things don't matter as much unless you can enjoy yourself."

"But -"

The eyebrows furrowed down this time and a hand reached up to touch his cheek. "I mean it, Birdie. It's really that simple. Love may be complicated but I'm a simple man. I don't need much to make me happy." The head tilted, eyes closed, grin wide. "Just you."

He stared and blinked at him for a few seconds before he tore his hands away in order to wrap his arms around the pale neck. He wanted to say something. He wanted to say so much. Too much. His brain couldn't pick a phrase or a sentence or a single word. So he jumped forward and captured Gil's lips with his own.

The albino seemed surprised because the mouth opened and Matthew dived for his chance, taking the control he was offered, closing his eyes and working to throw everything he had into this kiss. Gilbert loved his kisses, and Matthew knew how to make the albino moan, especially when he managed to catch him off guard. The sound buzzed his lips and tongue but he didn't break apart, feeling hands slip under his pajama top to rub at his back. He let the fire carry him all the way, only pulling back when his chest started to hurt from lack of air.

He stared at his lover, noting the closed eyes, the mouth open and gasping for breath in quick pants. And he smiled and kissed the pale cheek before leaning on his shoulder and closing his own eyes. "Gil...I love you," he whispered.

He felt the man grunt against him, and he giggled because he had just teased the albino _so_ badly without promising any kind of release. He was expecting a whine, the usual complaint and urge to finish what he'd started, but after a few panting breathes the only answer he received was, "I love you, too."

And it was enough.


End file.
